I have discovered why it hurts…
Logically, the best course of actions in this situation would be to leave them alone, right? It’s not as if I actively go out looking to employ people to stab me. I’m not *that* masochistic. So why do I continue to show unfaltering love/affection for people who clearly don’t want it?
I’m surprisingly good at turning off emotions. I’ve done it my whole life. I was raised to never cry, to never let my emotions out of check, and never allow others to cause me to feel anything besides what *I* want to feel. These are all life lessons that I continue to readily employ except with people I think love me enough to care what my inner thoughts or feelings are. Nine times out of ten, if I’ve talked to you about something “important”, it’s because I think you’ll benefit from hearing it more than I will benefit from telling it. Whether that is indirectly or directly beneficial depends on the person, but rest assured, I don’t just throw my thoughts and feelings around. I never have, and I don’t plan to start.
But the reason it hurts, at least for me, is because it falls under the sole category in a list of Things That Make Raya Angry which is being underestimated. A sure fire way to get me frustrated or pissed off is to tell me I can’t do something or, insinuate that I am not good at something at which I excel.
How do this correlate to being rejected?
Because to me, if you won’t let me care about it, or if you reject me, that’s like saying you don’t trust me. Duh. But not trusting me I can understand, I guess. It’s hard to actively trust someone. But it shouldn’t be hard to watch someone love you, right? You don’t even have to do anything but accept it. I don’t ask you to reciprocate. So to me, the biggest hurt is that you’re also saying you don’t believe I have what it takes to see past whatever issues you, in your human mind, have decided make you unlovable.
That’s not only false, it’s insulting; I am not good at very many things. And I’m really bad at practically everything else. The ONE thing that I honestly think I am good at (great at even) is loving people. And I can say this with confidence, because it’s not my love, it’s God’s love. And if you can’t accept it from me, there’s nothing I can do for you because no other human on the earth will love as much, as wholly, or as unconditionally as me. Not even your mother, probably.
Don’t patronize me. Don’t insult me. And definitely don’t degrade yourself by telling me you think you’re not good enough. EVERYONE deserves to be loved, not necessarily through the same methods, but always unconditionally and always as God does. I’m not being arrogant enough to say that my love is as good as God’s (ha!) but I am being arrogant enough to say that it’s pretty freakin unconditional. Because to show God’s love is my purpose on this Earth. What better way to glorify Him than by sharing his Unconditional Love with the world, especially those who don’t “deserve” it?