Growing Up. and Orange Juice.

Logically, the best course of actions in this situation would be to leave them alone, right? It’s not as if I actively go out looking to employ people to stab me. I’m not *that* masochistic. So why do I continue to show unfaltering love/affection for people who clearly don’t want it?

I’m surprisingly good at turning off emotions. I’ve done it my whole life. I was raised to never cry, to never let my emotions out of check, and never allow others to cause me to feel anything besides what *I* want to feel. These are all life lessons that I continue to readily employ except with people I think love me enough to care what my inner thoughts or feelings are. Nine times out of ten, if I’ve talked to you about something “important”, it’s because I think you’ll benefit from hearing it more than I will benefit from telling it. Whether that is indirectly or directly beneficial depends on the person, but rest assured, I don’t just throw my thoughts and feelings around. I never have, and I don’t plan to start. 

But the reason it hurts, at least for me, is because it falls under the sole category in a list of Things That Make Raya Angry which is being underestimated. A sure fire way to get me frustrated or pissed off is to tell me I can’t do something or, insinuate that I am not good at something at which I excel.

How do this correlate to being rejected? 

Because to me, if you won’t let me care about it, or if you reject me, that’s like saying you don’t trust me. Duh. But not trusting me I can understand, I guess. It’s hard to actively trust someone. But it shouldn’t be hard to watch someone love you, right? You don’t even have to do anything but accept it. I don’t ask you to reciprocate. So to me, the biggest hurt is that you’re also saying you don’t believe I have what it takes to see past whatever issues you, in your human mind, have decided make you unlovable.

That’s not only false, it’s insulting; I am not good at very many things. And I’m really bad at practically everything else. The ONE thing that I honestly think I am good at (great at even) is loving people. And I can say this with confidence, because it’s not my love, it’s God’s love. And if you can’t accept it from me, there’s nothing I can do for you because no other human on the earth will love as much, as wholly, or as unconditionally as me. Not even your mother, probably.

Don’t patronize me. Don’t insult me. And definitely don’t degrade yourself by telling me you think you’re not good enough. EVERYONE deserves to be loved, not necessarily through the same methods, but always unconditionally and always as God does. I’m not being arrogant enough to say that my love is as good as God’s (ha!) but I am being arrogant enough to say that it’s pretty freakin unconditional. Because to show God’s love is my purpose on this Earth. What better way to glorify Him than by sharing his Unconditional Love with the world, especially those who don’t “deserve” it? 

Yesterday: 

had to start an entire project over from scratch

got out of work 15 mins early 

came home- too lazy/tired to cook 

didn’t eat dinner

talked to boy about feelings

got shut down

frustrated

attempted to Uke

failed

went to bed angry

today:

woke up frustrated, but early 

went to gym 

almost passed out after 5 minutes of cardio 

finally made it home

shower to get rid of stress

shampoo won’t rinse

practically drown 

decide to let stress wash down drain 

and now I’m going to make breakfast. Because that’s a lot of failure and near- death to handle before 8am. 

Apparently it does. 

and learning to play the ukulele because (apparently) your subconscious thinks that will increase your chance of earning love. That’s just a mild conjecture on my part, however. the Uke was purely my idea and nothing to do with earning, proving, or getting rid of love. 

Also unrequited love? overrated. I’m not a writer, I’m barely an actor. So I really don’t need something depressing to work my way through in order to perfect my craft. 

That being said, I think I’ll learn some Adele. Also some Julia Nunes because she is reportedly “teh greatest”. 

Still trying to work out what to do here. I keep waking up from perfect dreams, being depressed that they’re just dreams, and then going back to sleep. Up until the past like, 2 weeks, this has not been a regular occurrence in my life. It’s kinda hard to deal with. But I guess I’m a “grown up” now so I can do it. I don’t really have another choice. 

I’ve recently been thinking: growing up is a lot of trial and error. And diligent practice, until one day you realize you’ve gotten amazingly better at something you used to be terrible at. 

For instance: nails. I change my nail colour at least once, if not twice a week. I have since I was in middle school. As a result, I’m so good at doing my own nails that people usually ask me if I’ve gotten them done. The answer is no. 

After a lot of trial and error and practice, I’ve discovered there are basically three steps to having perfect nails. 

1) Paint the nails on your dominant hand first- you’re less likely to mess it up when you do the 2nd hand. 

2) Get as little polish on the brush as possible while still being able to fully cover one nails. If your first coat is really thin, it’ll dry faster and smoother and you’re less likely to mess up the second coat. 

3) Try to keep it to two coats. If you need a third, allow more time to dry between the second and third coat than you did between the first and second coat. 

This can be a super quick process, but also a good time to relax or procrastinate for 10-15 minutes. I really like to do my nails right before reading some chapters for class, or sitting down to watch TV. And once you get really good at it, you can quickly do them in those last 3 minutes after you’re dressed, before you hit the door, provided your purse or wallet is already packed. 

One last tip: Try to avoid using cheap polish- it gets sticky or crusty and doesn’t come on smoothly. My favorite inexpensive polish is pureICE- I think you can get it at Wal Mart for like $2, in a bunch of awesome colors. I also really like Revlon and Sally Hansen, and of course there’s OPI if you want to spend like $8. But once you find a brand that you like, splurge on a bunch of different colors! Doing your nails is a fun, quick, fashionable way to show off your mood or personality, or accessorize without going overboard. 

Enjoy! :) 

nothing like looking over your life and seeing all the ways you messed in exactly the areas you always thought you wouldn’t. 

(except for knowing you’re Forgiven)